Just a few more days

I cannot believe we have three nights left with our Sadie. We have scheduled her "end-of-life" appointment for Monday at 6 p.m. I am sure I will spend most of the day at work crying.

I go back and forth, wondering if we are doing the right thing. I am 95 percent sure we are. Sadie has really gone downhill these past few days. She got sick a few times on Saturday, but then was fine up until yesterday. Lately, she has been waking up early, in need of going outside. But these page few mornings, she did not even want to get up from her blanket that she sleeps on. And she has really cut back on her eating. For her weight, she is supposed to eat about two cans of dog food a day (we switched her over to canned food about 1.5 months ago, at first mixing wet and dry; about three weeks ago, she stopped eating the dry). But the past few days, she eats a can. Maybe. She has also started to sporadically reject her treats.

She has been drinking a lot of water. We bought this water purifier thing for her almost a year ago. There is a huge container on the top, from where the water works its way down, and which is the reason we bought it (she started drinking a lot about a year ago). We typically fill it up every few days. As I cleaned it out and filled it up this afternoon, I wondered if this would be my final time of doing that.

Today, Sadie got sick a few times. I was not here, but the hubs cleaned it up.

She still manages to go to the bathroom, but it has really been a struggle.

All those reasons tell me we are probably doing the right thing.

But it does not make it any easier.

She is 13, and has lived a long life. There is a chance, since she is mostly pit bull, that she might not have lived had we not adopted her. I tell myself this, that we did a good thing and gave her a good life.

But it is still so hard to let go.

Yesterday while at work, our choir director sent us a recording of "I will rise." My choir will be singing it in a few weeks. I really like the song, more so the tune. But yesterday, for the first time, I really listened to the lyrics (our choir mostly sings "oos"; we have three soloists who will do most of the singing, so I really did not pay attention to the words). But this phrase made me burst into tears: "No more sorrow, no more pain."

I keep telling myself that Sadie will not be in pain in a few days. And that sort of helps.

But I am still so sad for us.

:-(