It's been almost a year

When I woke up Halloween morning, I was mostly thinking about the actual day and that J was having a friend over, so we had some cleaning up to do. Then I got on FB, and checked the "On this day" feature, which is great for someone like me, who is very forgetful. Well, on the past few October 31s, I posted pictures of Sadie, because it was her birthday. At least that is when we celebrated it.

I felt sad for not remembering it was Sadie's birthday. And then I felt sadder, knowing she was not with us. I cried for a minute or two. But then I was okay.

This coming Tuesday will mark the one-year anniversary since Sadie has been gone. I can hardly believe it has been that long. Time seems to be going by so quickly anymore.

I am sure I will shed a tear or two that day. I am shedding a few now.

I think it is funny how some people (maybe many) tend to remember the best in things. I recently met some friends for an early dinner. One of my friends dog-sat for Sadie for four days the summer before this one. She asked how Bai was, and I said she was the worst dog ever. And Amy said, "You said the same thing about Sadie." I was surprised. I really did not remember saying that. Sure, at times, I know I did. She did some things that drove me crazy. But to think I regularly said she was the worst dog or that I said that to Amy. I felt bad. But, in a way, good too, knowing that I clearly remember the best about Sadie.

I don't miss her attacking the vacuum cleaner; biting rags, paper towels, and tissues out of my hand; biting the remote downstairs (but not the identical one upstairs). I certainly don't miss how she would growl at J whenever she came into my room when Sadie was lying on the bed. And I mostly try to forget about how sick she was the last few days. I remember well Sadie. I also remember deaf Sadie, and she was kind of funny. But very welcome during her last Halloween. I remember the Sadie that liked to snuggle. The Sadie who would always put her head on my chest when we would lie in bed, whenever I said, "Put your cappy down, Sadie." I remember the Sadie who would bark one bark when she wanted to go outside. I remember the Sadie who had a couple of stuffed animals the last few years of her life that she would pick up, carry around, and toss about, but not destroy. I remember the Sadie who was always happy to see me when I got home. I remember the Sadie who let Jordan dress her up.

Sadie, I miss you.

It's been a year since we knew the end was near.

I pretty much stopped blogging about Sadie a week after she died. It was hard to do, and we got adopted a new dog not even a month later. Because I found myself forever comparing Bailey to Sadie (and Sadie wins pretty much every time), I more or less decided that was the end of Sadie's blog. That Jordan got bored with it was also a contributing factor.

But thanks to Facebook's "On This Day" feature, I was reminded that we found out that Sadie had cancer on 9/11. I actually thought it was a different day; 9/11 normally depresses me so much as it is, so I am surprised that sad Sadie day would not have stuck with me. In any event, I felt that I needed to come here to commemorate (for lack of a better word) that day. So here I am.

It seems so hard to believe that it has been over a year since we were given that heart-breaking news. I still think about Sadie a lot. I often wonder if I would think about her as much if we did not have Bailey. Maybe I would think about her more. With pets, at least for me, and maybe just because we have another, time really did help to heal my heart. I still miss Sadie, but I have not cried about her in a long time.

For the first few week after Sadie died, I cried daily. Maybe that even lasted a month or more. But eventually life got in the way and she was pushed further back into my mind. We keep Sadie's box with her ashes, along with two pictures, her collar, a hand-drawn card and picture from my niece, and a book about dogs on a shelf above one of the couches in our living room. Sometimes when I dust that shelf (which is only about once a month), I get sad. Only recently did Bailey start sleeping on that  coach occassionally. Part of me believe that Sadie's ghost has shooed her away.

About a month or two ago, in the later evening, Bri said that Bailey was staring at the wall near the couch, and her tail was wagging. He got up and tried to figure out what she was looking at. He found no toys, no bugs. Nothing. When he told me the story, I right away thought it had to be Sadie. Maybe she was somehow communicating with Bailey and telling her it was okay for her to stay. If Sadie really is/has a ghost, and happens to be a ghost who can hear, then she knows how much we love and miss her and how often I say, "Bailey, Sadie would never do that." or "Sadie was so much better."

I feel a little bad about saying that to Bailey, but I am 99 percent sure she has no idea what I am saying

But maybe Sadie does. And that's okay by me. :-)